Do You Keep Giving to People Who Don't Give Back?

I walked into my first therapy session with a sick feeling in my gut. I wasn’t just in bad relationships—I was a liability to myself.

No matter what I did, I kept ending up in one-sided relationships. The pattern was too pronounced to ignore. If I stopped putting in the effort, the relationship would fall apart.

I was always the one who called first.

The one who made the plans.

The one who drove three hours while you wouldn’t even cross the street for me.

People were constantly dumping all of their problems on me—expecting me to solve them. But when it came time to get my own needs met, it was always a different story.

WHY?

For starters… if you have this problem, look at what happens when you put yourself first when you are the center of attention. When you are in charge… When the situation is all about you and not the other person.

Say, for example, you have a husband and wife—a classic codependent couple. The wife is always smothering the husband and tending to his every need like he’s a child.

But one day, that wife comes down with cancer.

All of a sudden, life has reversed the roles.

A very revealing situation indeed.

I’ve been there myself in a few different ways.

There are lots of relationships that are completely unbalanced.

People have many ways to rationalize and justify inequality inside a relationship.

A little sexism goes a long way.

The problem starts with your concept of what a normal relationship looks like. Some people believe some crazy shit.

If you find yourself consistently being in one-sided relationships, it’s probably because of some faulty idea you have in your mind about what a healthy relationship looks like.

Many adults are only pretending to be adults.

In reality, they’re children.

Nothing is as it seems in relationships. You think the problem is you are with a selfish person. And that may be true.

But what kind of person would you have to be to always wind up in one-sided relationships with selfish people?

Why is it so easy to abandon yourself?

Why?

If I look at the situation and say, the problem is with everyone else, all attempts to solve it become futile. But I was the common denominator.

One big difference between The Chauffeur and Mike Tyson is that Mike has no patience whatsoever for one-sided dynamics. The minute I detect that you expect me to show up for you above and beyond what you’re willing to do for me…

As soon as I get that sense, my fondness for you ends immediately.

Because I know that I can only expect more of the same.

You only have limited resources to give to the people around you. If everyone is always taking, but nobody is giving back, you will inevitably get burnt out.

I’ve noticed some people in my family (and my ex-wife’s as well) who never thought twice about putting the world’s weight on my shoulders. Never mind the fact that I’m taking two antidepressants. Never mind the fact that my income is all fucked up. Never mind the fact that I feel depressed…

Here’s a new massive problem I want you to solve — now get to it!

People always assumed that I could (and should) shoulder the burden.

But that wasn’t always true. Sometimes, I took on responsibilities that cost me my mental health. I have found myself worrying about other people’s problems to the point of sabotaging my own life. You may be doing this and not even realizing it.

In one-sided relationships, generosity is a trap. The more you give, the more they expect.

What do I mean? It means that people are keeping score. They may want you to think they’re not keeping score, so you won’t wise up and start being more frugal with your time and energy, but they know.

When you give more than you can reasonably expect to get back, it sends a powerful message.

It tells everyone around you that they can take advantage of you.

The good news is that there’s a really easy fix for restoring the balance of a one-sided relationship.

All you have to do is start expecting things from the other person. The minute they realize that they don’t get to have unlimited amounts of your time and energy for free, they suddenly start thinking twice about asking for the following favor.

If I’m being completely real with you, almost every time I have tried to reverse a one-sided relationship… I started expecting reciprocity…, but the relationship usually fell apart. This was because the imbalance was the whole point. Many people are too happy to take advantage of you if you let them know you will tolerate it. Human beings are funny that way.

So, when you say no more, you might discover that the connection you thought was so solid wasn’t as solid as you thought. It can be jarring. Bewildering. I’m talking about spouses. Lifelong friends. What have you…

You could be in a one-sided relationship for decades… always telling yourself that one day, when you need the other person, they will have your back…

And then you finally tell them it’s time to take the focus off them and put it on you, and they can’t handle it.

The good news is that one-sided relationships require your cooperation to keep going. As soon as you stop feeding them, they stop altogether.

This particular wound goes so extremely deep for me. One day, I realized that the problem started at the very source — with my father.

We only ever spent time together doing what he wanted to do.

Not the other way around.

This was what normal looked like for me.

Even to this day, it’s still precisely the same dynamic. I ended a relationship about a year ago after realizing that it was another one-sided dynamic. But I was so salty. How did I make this mistake yet again?

That led me to discover this dynamic between me and my father. To see it for what it was. Here was a man who had never given a flying fuck about my feelings. He could put his whole wife in the hospital and expect me to pretend like nothing happened, but then turn around and be mad when I don’t call him on his birthday.

I realized that if I wanted to stop attracting these relationships, I had to look at where I was still participating in them. And, of course, when I stopped carrying the whole relationship on my back, it fell apart very quickly.

When things fall apart…

You may want to fix things. Or blame yourself.

I say let it burn.

Make room for people who deserve you. People who won’t take advantage of you.

Most people fear letting go of bad relationships — especially when family is involved. I get it. Really.

But I learned these lessons so deeply I stand by what I said.

There’s no point in keeping people around who always take and never give back. They suck.

I’m so profoundly used to the one-sided dynamic that my therapist keeps telling me he can’t wait for the day when I finally meet someone who honestly treats me as an equal. Even with all of the changes I’ve seen in my life, as far as romantic relationships go, I still don’t know what proper balance looks like.

But, even with my virgin eyes, I’m becoming less and less tolerant of one-sided relationships all the time.

Even with my father, I think to myself often — if I have to interact with him, I need to know how I benefit upfront because bad treatment is inevitable.

Sometimes, people try to enlist me to solve problems that are theirs to solve. Not mine. These people are all too happy to take advantage. All too eager to get me involved… but when I step back and look at the whole situation, the problem might seem serious or pressing… but you don’t have to sign up for every battle.

You could be hurting the other person by not allowing them to struggle and grow from that struggle.

Furthermore, you could get involved in situations that do not benefit you. So, getting involved could be very expensive, but you have to ask yourself what you are getting in return for the cost. Sometimes, the answer is absolutely nothing.

A one-sided relationship only works if you play your role.

The second you stop carrying it… it collapses.

And that’s not a loss. That’s your freedom.

In summary: How to End One-Sided Relationships

Step 1: Start Expecting Reciprocity

Ask yourself: What would this relationship look like if it were balanced?

When you expect something in return, the other person’s true nature will reveal itself.

Step 2: Watch Their Reaction When You Say No

The fastest way to test a one-sided relationship? Say no.

If someone only values you when you’re giving, they’ll get angry the moment you stop.

Step 3: Let It Burn

If the relationship collapses the second you stop overgiving, good.

Stop fighting to keep people who never fought for you.

Until next time,

Anton

Dancer, Writer, Buddhist

P.S. If this resonates, forward it to someone who needs to read it.

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