Here's Why I Fight Over Email

It's Unconventional, But I Stand By It

Dear Permission to be Powerful Reader,

I don’t choose this unconventional approach because I’m afraid of conflict.

Or because I want to avoid tough conversations…

But because I’ve seen what in-person fights do.

• They can turn reasonable people into monsters.

• They escalate FAST.

• And when one person fights for power instead of understanding?

There’s no way to win.

That’s why I fight over email.

I’ve noted since my divorce that other divorcees come with some delightful insights.

They’ve had the kind of experience that sobers a human being.

That makes them think twice about their next partner.

And, at a bare minimum, divorcees know their non-negotiables.

They are clear on what they do not want.

The level of emotional intelligence I’ve seen with divorcees is orders of magnitude more than someone who hasn’t been married yet.

We walk into relationships with all sorts of cockamamie ideas about what real love is supposed to look like.

Most people entering their first marriage are utterly naive and brainwashed.

They have a very idealistic view of the way things should be…

And when they project those notions into their relationship, life gives them a rude awakening.

The wisdom one can potentially gain from a divorce is priceless.

But that depends on a person’s ability to reflect, be honest, and also to change.

Most people are repeating the same mistakes like a broken record.

It’s sad when you come to that realization.

You can more or less predict how they will live their entire lives once you see their patterns for what they are.

But that wasn’t me.

I have a rule that I take from one relationship to another.

I try to identify precisely where I screwed up…

And I commit to not making that same mistake again in the future.

This is how I concluded that I prefer fighting over email.

I looked back on the arguments that marked my last relationship and I didn’t like what I saw.

Both in my ex and myself.

It’s hard. I don’t want to say too much here because some of these arguments were personal or traumatic.

Some of the gaslighting I endured still clouds my brain when I bring myself back to that place. It’s tough for me to decipher who was at fault and who was not.

Yes. Traumatic. When I think about some of the arguments that went down, those were some of the most violating experiences of my life. Adrenaline was pumping—harsh words flying back and forth.

I didn’t like the person I was becoming.

I always remind myself that I was in a highly unnatural position and that I was being manipulated and provoked.

One person wanted to reach a place of understanding while the other was fighting for dominance.

It’s all so messy.

Which is why I don’t like to ruminate about these conflicts.

They’re all dead and buried anyway.

I must also remind myself that I was dealing with an impossible person. I was living in a crazy situation. There are many reasons why we clashed… and many are not my fault.

It always takes two to Tango.

That said, after watching one marriage fall apart, I developed a deep sorrow about the ways that I damaged my relationship.

I’m going to say upfront that no matter what you think about me and the way I treated my ex, I feel secure in knowing that I’ve atoned for my sins through a fuck-ton of therapy and self-study.

No matter how badly I’ve ever treated anyone…

I care about being a better person.

That’s a lot more accountability than most people will ever take.

With that said…

I did quite a bit more yelling than I am proud to admit during some of these conflicts.

It’s a little vestige that I inherited from my old man.

Now and then, I discover ways we are alike, and I cringe.

This one particular bit of trauma got passed down to everyone in my generation.

It’s heartbreaking when you have the eyes to see it.

I’m the only person in my entire family that learned how not to yell.

But I’ve always hated fighting.

By nature, I am conflict-averse.

Some people are dogs by nature.

They love a good fight.

That’s not me.

Fighting is so against my nature.

That said…

When an animal feels cornered and threatened… it lashes out.

I hate that I feel so afraid of your judgment opening up about it.

I was dealing with a very emotionally violent person, and quite frankly, I was no match for her.

Every week, I’d report to my therapist, and he would whip out all of his tried and true tactics, and none of them worked.

There’s nothing like seeing a trained professional trying and failing like that to put my ex into perspective.

She was a formidable foe.

At the end of my marriage, my goal was to make sure it was the last time I ever raised my voice at any woman. Or anyone I claimed to love. .

I kept my promise.

I sincerely studied my anger management issues by reading The Anger Trap.

It was very eye-opening.

Reflecting on those hurtful moments with even judgment is hard for me.

Only one person was acting in good faith.

The memories still feel emotionally charged.

With that said, I could see my relationship disintegrating every time our conflicts got to that place.

No matter who instigated it, or who was acting in good faith.

There’s no getting around that much of that is on me.

Today, I know differently, and I am different.

Sadly, I will whine and moan throughout this post because, as I reflect, I feel I was treated unfairly.

Though I am undiagnosed, I do believe myself to have PTSD from my childhood. In my former relationship, fights often started after one person stomped about the house in a huff and puff — yelling and slamming doors, cupboards, or whatever.

Violent behavior that would never fly with me today.

It would trigger me — and once I’m triggered, I’m not calm and collected.

I’ve lost control.

You know, seeing my father, how lost he is. He cannot break his patterns — even when he wants to improve. So incredibly sad.

If you know which buttons to push, you can elicit a violent response like clockwork.

And I wasn’t much different.

But I thought I had to put up with that treatment.

I thought being in love meant you didn’t walk away during a fight.

Today, I know that if someone is unwilling or unable to hear you — to see you — that’s precisely what you must do.

But I had my fair share of Disney fairytales to unravel.

In the heat of the moment, we say nasty and cruel things.

We may choose to escalate when we should be cooling off.

If my ex-wife wanted to take the fight to that place, she would, and I couldn’t stop her.

Before I get into my email fighting strategy, I will tell you more about what I learned from reading The Anger Trap.

I learned that there’s a fine line one must walk…

My anger was valid.

But my response was not.

Likewise, with my ex.

But when we clashed, I heard that my anger was not valid.

That I had no right to be upset.

Which only served to infuriate me further.

You get into so much trouble when you need other people to validate your point of view.

If someone refuses to admit my feelings are valid, I depend on them for validation…

Well, this is how you build a human-ticking time bomb.

On a very childish level, I thought speaking louder would result in me being heard. Not correct.

Once I understood that I didn’t need her to feel valid about my point of view, I dismantled the buttons she used to manipulate me.

But why email?

I haven’t heard anyone else talking about it, but it’s been great for me.

First of all, as a professional copywriter who is also dyslexic and who also has a mild stutter…

As someone who has been punished quite severely for speaking up many times…

I find myself struggling to articulate my words.

It’s quite a phenomenon to me — how much more eloquent I am with the written word than speaking out loud.

I find myself far more capable of expressing myself when I write than when I talk.

And there’s also the added benefit of having the appropriate time and space to cool off and reflect and measure my response.

It’s impossible for an email fight to turn violent.

Not that I have ever seen violence as a solution to my interpersonal problems.

I’m just saying that when someone is stomping about the house, slamming things, and becoming crazy…

It’s tough for me not to lose my cool.

I’m the type of person who likes to solve the shit out of a problem… so there’s no way that I’ll ever find myself in a situation where someone’s accusing me of being violent.

With email, you can never say you didn’t say what you said because you have the receipts.

In my upcoming memoir Hell and Paradise, I copy-pasted many of our fights verbatim for you to see.

Now, within your conversation, there’s a lot that you can say to keep the conversation constructive…

But I think I’ll save those ideas for their own post.

There’s also the added benefit of revisiting the fights you had over the long haul. You learn engaging lessons.

People are good at distorting facts when they recall them, especially when they feel emotionally charged at the time.

But you can’t lie to yourself when you have a record.

And neither can they.

Until next time,

Dancer, Writer, Buddhist