How to be Quiet
It's Harder Than You Think.
Dear Permission to be Powerful reader,
I’ve been made to sit in the corner of the zendo.
Technically just outside the zendo...
Like a kid with a dunce cap.
Too many complaints about me being noisy.
I’m the worst.
Constant agitation.
I’ve got that ADHD motor in my butt...
Literally can’t sit still.
I get complaints every Sesshin.
I hate drawing the attention of the administration.
“We’ve gotten some reports that some people have been doing their laundry when they’re not supposed to...”
Oops…
Hope they don’t find out who.
“We’ve gotten some reports of the smell of... dope.”
Yikes.
And they don’t even know the half.
I’m pretty sure I break more rules than everybody here combined, but let’s keep that secret between you and me.
“This is Group One. You’re in Group Two. You’re not supposed to be here.”
Ah.
My bad.
I’m like a bull in a goddamn china shop around these monks.
Last time, I sliced my hand right before the opening round.
Blood everywhere.
I definitely needed stitches.
But I wasn’t going to miss this.
This time, they put me in the fucking corner like some kid wearing a dunce cap.
My sensei had to sell me on the idea.
It sounded awful.
I’d have to fold my mats and stack my cushions after every round so the walkway stayed clear.
No air conditioning.
It was fucking hot.
Sweating my balls off while everyone else sat in a stream of cool morning breeze.
Seven days of this bullshit.
Ten hours a day.
In that miserable corner.
It made me realize something.
My body is in much worse shape than I’d admitted.
I have chronic pain in my neck.
My back...
I need to wear a back brace.
I crack my back constantly.
Always managing the aches and pains.
They get worse after hours of sitting.
Working around the clock.
My body has been screaming for a break.
The corner had its perks, though.
I was out of sight...
Which meant I could change posture and wriggle around as much as I wanted.
I liked being away from everyone else.
I wasn’t bothering anybody.
The carpet was soft and comfortable.
And best of all...
I didn’t have to share my personal space.
It was beautiful.
This guy I work with couldn’t stop farting.
Seven times.
In one round.
I’m surprised he didn’t shit himself.
I could smell him from my far-off corner.
Both loud and stinky.
Yeesh.
I’ll never understand how comfortable Zen people are farting around each other.
Sitting for seven days cleans your insides out.
Sometimes you don’t even know what’s being cleaned.
But you can be sure it’s something.
You’re softening up.
Layers are peeling back.
You’re letting go of old junk you don’t need anymore.
Your senses sharpen.
You see things more clearly.
At the very beginning, the sensei said:
“You’re going to walk away feeling lighter and more compassionate.”
That caught my attention.
I want that.
I don’t know what else can make someone more empathetic.
Empathy is pretty fixed from person to person.
We were quiet all day, every day.
Because we want our minds to settle.
It’s a beautiful and profound thing that most people never experience.
Words could never do the real thing justice.
This process is brutal.
Ten hours of meditation every day.
Seven days.
It starts at 4:10 each morning.
It ends at 9:30 every night.
I never get more than four hours of sleep…
For a whole week.
I’m always hungry.
Always exhausted.
But I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Tony V.
Editor-in-Chief
Permission to be Powerful
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