How to Stay Connected to Yourself While Loving Someone Else
A Permission to be Powerful Premium Post
EDITOR’S NOTE: Zalman is giving away his incredible book, The Trigger Method Workbook, for FREE. This will show you a significant therapy shortcut to healing your wounds and developing a healthier relationship with yourself. Check it out here.
Dear Permission to be Powerful Reader,
Here’s a common mistake so many people make in relationships—and it’s often invisible until it’s too late:
They lose themselves.
They fall into the relationship like it’s a rescue boat.
They slowly give up the things that once made them feel grounded.
They stop seeing friends.
Stop doing what they love.
Stop being alone, thinking for themselves, making space for their own inner life.
And then, months—or years—later, they wake up with a painful question:
“Where did I go?”
Let me be clear:
That’s not how a healthy relationship works.
🧭 The Role of Self in Relationship
In any real, nourishing connection—romantic, platonic, or familial—you are meant to stay connected to yourself.
Yes, you’ll make sacrifices. Yes, you’ll compromise. Yes, you’ll sometimes do things for the benefit of the “we.”
But you should never disappear.
A strong relationship is not about two people becoming one.
It’s about two whole people choosing to walk together, bringing their full selves to the path.
🗣️ What That Looks Like in Practice:
You keep your friendships alive.
You still make time for your passions and practices.
You speak your mind—even if you end up agreeing to disagree.
You stay aware of your own needs, wants, thoughts, and emotions.
You share them in a way the other person can hear.
And you leave space for them to do the same.
This is what I call mutual emotional responsibility—the foundation of any relationship built on respect.
It means:
✅ You know who you are.
✅ You stay in touch with that self—even when you’re close to someone else.
✅ You make space for the other person to be themselves too.
✅ And you don’t punish each other for having differences.
🧠 The General Rule
Each person in a relationship is responsible for:
Bringing themselves fully—with self-awareness and ownership
Communicating in a hearable way—not to win, but to connect
Creating space for the other—and actually listening when they show up
If that balance disappears—if one person disappears—you don’t have a relationship anymore.
You have enmeshment.
You have performance.
You have martyrdom.
You have resentment quietly building under the surface.
💡 Try This:
Ask yourself:
“Am I still me in this relationship?”
If the answer is unclear, you’re not alone.
But it may be time to begin returning to yourself.
Start small:
Text a friend.
Do one thing just for you this week.
Speak your mind—gently, honestly—where you usually stay quiet.
Because the healthiest relationships are built by two people who can stay connected to themselves and each other—at the same time.
That’s the real work.
And it’s powerful beyond words.
— Zalman, LCSW
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