How to Lose Friends and Alienate People.

Here's What Happens When You Stay Grounded and Stop Chasing Approval

Dear Permission to be Powerful Reader,

I used to be like this guy.

The one texting three times in a row.

The one waiting for a response that never came…

Refreshing Instagram to see if they were online.

Planning our entire future together while you’re paying me no mind.

I finally nipped this pattern in the bud.

It’s been great.

Human psychology fascinates me.

Before I get into it, let me just say that I’m stunned that I went my whole life, and not once did I ever seriously try the alternative that I’m going to show you in a little bit.

If you think about that, this is hard proof that I am a slave to my patterns. No part of me would ever figure it out on my own. Not while living from my old codependent mindset.

Here’s what the Chauffeur did:

(I call the old version of me the Chauffeur)

I would crowd everybody’s psychic space. There has been a desperate energy about me for a very long time. I wasn’t born with it. I finally think I’ve gotten rid of it…

Because I held the core belief that I was not enough.

Not rich enough.

Not good-looking enough.

That meant I was coming from the assumption that people don’t want to be around me. I’m a burden to them. I have to try to win them over and hide all of the shitty things about me so people will deem me worthy of their acceptance.

My energy was off.

People can smell desperate energy.

It pushes them away instinctively.

Another fascinating bit of psychology:

Nobody ever talks about energy. But people can read the energy you put out. I think it’s the most crucial element of communication. People essentially estimate your value based on the energy you are putting out.

People don’t just “smell” desperation—they feel it in the pauses, in the way you over-explain, in how you check your phone too much when waiting for a text.

Ever send a text and immediately regret it?

Ever feel that awkward silence when you try too hard to keep a conversation going?

I’ve been aware of this phenomenon since my teen years. I knew that when I was feeling unworthy, people didn’t treat me so great.

But every once in a while, I’d tap into a vein of inner strength.

For any number of reasons…

I’m feeling pumped about myself from all the hard work I put in the gym, and now I have a six-pack.

The music at the party grabs me and possesses me. I’ve spent less time around my toxic friends, and now I’m starting to feel better.

For whatever reason, I was feeling confident, and people were responding to me in the ways that I wanted.

Now I can ask a girl out all calm and grounded, and she responds to that energy.

But my problem is, I didn’t have any control over when I felt worthy and when I didn’t—and I felt unworthy most of the time.

It helps none if you finally start feeling worthy… while you’re taking a dump

Somehow, that confidence didn’t come back when I needed it to.

SO frustrating.

But at this stage of my life, I’ve been able to hold onto my self-esteem in a much more stable and consistent way.

There’s always more growing to do.

But most of the time, I know my worth.

The old me believed he had no worth, so he believed he had to chase people. Text them. Call them. Try to convince them.

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People

(AKA: How to Make Everyone Avoid You Like a Bad Tinder Date)

Step 1: Text them three times when they don’t respond.

Step 2: Check their Instagram story to confirm they’re ignoring you.

Step 3: Double-text to ‘clarify’ your last message.”

Step 4: Be available 24/7.

Step 5: Stay past your welcome.

Step 6: Say “yes” to every request.

Step 7: Let them live rent-free in your head.

Step 8: Feel restless when the person you’re fixating on isn’t around.

Step 9: Go spend time with their family while they’re away.

Step 10: Propose.

That’s that desperation I was telling you about earlier.

That desperate grasping energy turned people off.

But I couldn’t shut it off.

Until recently.

My therapist snaps at me because all of my dating stories have sounded exactly the same.

There are still some parts of me that need healing.

He said:

“I’m sick of you telling me the same thing every time.

“Create negative space—Like a Vaccum.”

What I’ve been doing for the past six months is standing perfectly still—and responding to the people I attract.

That means no adding new friends to Facebook. No more calling you to set up the plans for tonight. No more carrying our entire friendship on my back. No more looking at people on social media. No more letting people live rent-free in my head.

But still, I would slip into Chauffeur mode.

Less needy but still too nice.

I was still being a people-pleaser..

Why?

Please go away.

There was still an element of desperation about me that baffled me.

But that negative space concept was an epiphany. It’s not just staying still and naturally letting people come to me.

It’s about being very selective with your time. It’s about showing people that you’re too busy being you to kiss their ass. Showing them that you don’t need them. Your cup is full. You’re guarding your treasure.

This breakthrough is so new I don’t have much experience with it. I don’t know the nuances. I’m still wobbly with it. But initial results are promising.

People expect me to linger after our meditation session, but I don’t sorry. Busy.

A few people ask me about it.

Absence makes the heart grow fond.

I missed a few salsa classes last month.

A few people ask me about it.

I got a couple of Facebook friend requests.

I’ve also been showing up late.

While I’m there, I’m leaving quick.

Negative space.

I feel my power level rising.

That desperate energy isn’t there anymore.

It’s no longer pushing people away. Now I can see how stifling that pattern was for everyone else. I was the last to find out.

This new approach goes beyond standing still and seeing who you attract. It creates a natural magnetic pull. So far it seems really potent.

Because I was a freelance copywriter for so many years, I feel the Ick from begging people for money.

Sometimes I look back and think about one prospect in particular. I emailed him like 10 times with no response.

I can’t believe I thought that strategy would work.

This entire blog is Negative Space in action.

I’m putting myself out there, and I’ll see who reaches out to me for business or whatnot.

The jury’s out on how far this will go. All of the applications, how powerful they are, and their limitations. I’ll keep you posted.

But I have proof of concept, and I love it.

No chasing, no convincing, no over-explaining. Just me, sitting in my throne of negative space. Let’s see who shows up.

Let’s see what happens when I do absolutely nothing.

I used to text first, second, and third. Now? My phone is on ‘Do Not Disturb,’ if you get a response, consider it a privilege.

Nobody wanted to hire me when I ran around begging for work. I’m so convinced of the futility of the chase.

At work, it immediately puts me in a one-down position. I need the work. But they don’t need me.

No more chasing. Not for women, friends, or clients.

No more convincing you to like me.

The people who want you in their lives won’t need to be convinced, hassled, or managed.

Those people aren’t worth it.

Make them earn every inch.

Until next time,

Dancer, Writer, Buddhist