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Dear Permission to be Powerful Reader,

Here are the rules of engagement.

Don’t be nice to people who devalue you.

You don’t have to be kind or polite.

Someone who is devaluing you doesn’t deserve kindness.

That generally sorts the world into two categories:

Safe and unsafe people.

People who devalue you are unsafe.

You get a completely different experience from me, depending on which category you wind up in.

I’m getting better at defining a safe versus unsafe person. I’m adding criteria to each list all the time.

One of my most recent additions has been I don’t fuck with people who try to make me feel invisible. It’s my new pet peeve. What do I mean? I discovered a pattern that I’d missed for my whole life.

Some people can empathize with you and validate you.

When you’re around them, you get more clarity. You feel more confident about yourself and your choices.

They help you grow. Then, some people undermine your judgment. When you’re around them, they make you feel confused.

They may even make you question every decision you make.

NOT a good friend.

I discovered this boundary because of a girl I went out with about a year ago. My connection with her was ridiculous.

I went on exactly one date. Neither of us was feeling it—no big deal.

But then, after that, for at least six months, I could see that her walls were up every time I saw her. I felt a little confused, and I might have wanted to ask her what was up, but she seemed to want to avoid me.

One day, I went to the Zen Center.

This happened on a street.

I see her outside on the porch… She’s on her phone.

I wave to say hello.

She averts my gaze and pretends she didn’t see me there.

My hand is up and waving.

I felt so invisible, I turned to look at my hand to ensure it was still there.

There’s a pedestrian nearby who saw the whole thing happen. The look on her face said it all.

Now, I knew it wasn’t just me.

Her eyes told me everything.

She could see that this girl was ignoring me.

I wasn’t making it up. After I understood that she was devaluing me, she was dead to me.

You couldn’t make me acknowledge that girl’s existence again. Fire with fire. If you make me feel invisible, I’ll make you feel invisible.

Two can play this game.

I’m not just trying to be vindictive here. I believe that sometimes it’s necessary for people to feel the consequences of their bad behavior.

It’s the only motivation they’ll ever get to grow.

When people treat you like you don’t exist, that’s a pretty big boundary violation.

It’s one pet peeve that irks me. I guess I’m sensitive about this one.

I have so many niche boundaries, and I used to have lots of trouble getting people to listen to me.

Sometimes, I’d repeat myself.

Sometimes, I’d get louder and angrier…

But this approach never worked.

People didn’t respect the words coming out of my mouth more because I was more animated.

But, one day, an aunt gave me some sage advice that changed my life forever.

She said…

“Silence speaks more loudly than words.”

This works in almost any situation.

Sometimes, silence can be deafening.

Boundaries keep you safe.

Sometimes, the best response is no response.

Sometimes, you have to shut your phone off and go for a walk.

Don’t engage.

There’s lots of brilliant advice in Codependent No More. But there’s one piece of advice that can be quickly glossed over.

That’s the idea of detachment.

So often, something’s happening in your life that you don’t like — maybe your relationship is going through a rough patch.

The instinct could be to dive into the problem, argue, try to fix it…

But sometimes, the best fix is to do NOTHING.

When something goes wrong, take a step back and detach.

Instead of trying to change or fix people and problems, step back and oversee the situation.

That’s where your power lies.

You can’t control things and people.

But you can be discerning.

You can look at a situation and watch it closely to understand it.

So you can take an action that could change your circumstances.

But you won’t have your power available if you keep wrestling with things and people. Sometimes, just that act of silent watching can give you insights.

Sometimes, you find a new approach that makes a problem more manageable.

When something is happening that you don’t like, instead of reacting or lashing out, that would be a perfect time to ask yourself…

“What do I feel?”

Getting in touch with your feelings gives you a path to your true power. When you name your feelings, you validate your inner child.

The right course of action often becomes clear, and your entire psyche is in harmony. I think it’s critical to consider that not everybody sees the world the way you do.

Sometimes, I try to imagine the world from billions of different points of view.

That’s billions of different life stories, histories, beliefs, and prejudices.

Yet, it’s still so easy to project your expectations of the world onto other people.

There’s one common logical fallacy.

It goes like this:

I’m nice to you, so you’ll be nice to me.

Millions of people live according to this myth. It’s not true.

Some people think kindness is a weakness.

Some people are dogs by nature.

Some people prey on the weak.

Some people don’t care if you live or die.

Some people feel entitled to treat people however they want.

Some people embody peace, joy, and love.

Others manufacture drama wherever they go.

There are others still who let all of these crazy people take advantage of them.

We get so used to our worldview that we forget how vastly different the people around us might look at things.

It is a jungle out there.

The gazelle that likes to smile and play nice around lions becomes lunch.

I think talking is cheap. I used to believe people’s lies.

When you are easily exploitable, one of the reasons is that you were taught to believe the unlikely and disbelieve the plausible.

This teaches you not to believe your own two eyes.

It teaches you that other people know them better than they know themselves.

That you’re wrong for having feelings at all.

What a toxic environment.

Talk is cheap…

Judging a person based on their actions is far more reliable than words.

Another thing:

I used to think telling people to stop meant asserting my boundaries.

Again, talk is cheap.

What are you going to do if they cross the line again?

That’s where the rubber meets the road.

As soon as people feel the consequences of their behavior, they have no choice but to respond.

I believe in letting people know when they offend you.

You don’t have to sing songs around the campfire afterward.

You don’t have to say a word.

My go-to boundary is silence.

That Zen Center girl?

The next time I saw her, I said hi to everyone else and ignored her.

She knew. All pretense of nice was gone.

I won’t pretend to be your friend when you don’t acknowledge I exist.

She was shocked, but she heard me loud and clear.

And things stayed that way for several months until she eventually moved away.

We made up on her last day in Rochester.

I hugged her and told her to have a nice life.

She loved the finality of knowing that we would never see each other again in this lifetime.

There was something spiritual about that.

I let go of all of my anger.

Now, whenever I’m around someone who tries to make me feel invisible, I will fight back.

Some people make it scarily far without facing the consequences of their bad behavior.

Holding people accountable for their actions is good for humanity.

Until next time,

Anton

Dancer, Writer, Buddhist

Permission to be Powerful

How to Set Boundaries Like a Boss