Controlling people have been telling me what to do for my whole life: what to do, what not to do, what to think, what not to think, who to be, who not to be…
There is an unhealed part of me that is still very much attracted to controlling people because in a sense… it’s all that I know.
When it comes to breaking free from a controlling dynamic, it matters whether this is your first time in such a situation.
If you grew up around people who feel entitled to run your life… then you likely have a bigger problem than just one controlling relationship. I developed a whole identity in response to growing up in an oppressive environment. I call him The Chauffeur.
The Chauffeur likes being told what to do. He is used to having people lay down the law.
I think it’s most fascinating that I am, on some level, attracted to controlling people precisely BECAUSE they are controlling.
This idea may be challenging for you to wrap your mind around and accept. Hear me out…
My father was extremely controlling. He would police every lightbulb in the house. I was only allowed to behave in narrow ways… and anything outside that tiny range was not allowed. For example, I was never allowed to complain about how I was being treated.
Today, as an adult, I have a sixth sense of finding manipulators. It’s very demoralizing to know that my last five dates or so were all highly manipulative and avoidant people. Why do I always attract these people? What am I doing? Is it my cologne? Someone please tell me. I promise I’ll change.
The brain is a pattern-seeking instrument. It recognizes patterns way before you register them consciously.
That controlling boyfriend you have might run guilt trips on you in precisely the same way that your mother used to (and perhaps still does).
I dated this girl for about a year. After a few months together, I had many complaints about her. She always wanted this or that, always demanding this or that. I told my therapist about her, and after a while, he asked, “Why do you even like this girl?”
I was a bit dumbfounded. I honestly didn’t know how to respond.
“Do you just like this girl because it’s familiar?”
Here I was, listing all the things I didn’t like about this girl, and they were all the same things I complained about in my last relationship.
When your brain encounters a familiar pattern like that that resonates with the precise conditions you grew up in…
You find yourself attracted to that person. You may be unaware that you are attracted to that person BECAUSE they are controlling.
Because it may be all that you know.
To break free from that, you have to step back and be able to identify that pattern in the wild.
When I meet someone I am interested in, it’s not good enough for me to feel attracted to them; I need to know WHY.
The all-important question.
I find controlling people and the people they oppress fascinating.
Why did I let my ex-wife take over my whole life?
How did I go along so she could turn me into a different person?
I think, at the core of the problem, controlling people do not respect their victim’s humanity. They overlook the person they are controlling completely.
They have an idea of the person—who they are and how they should behave—with little to do with the real person.
My wife used to run my life one guilt trip at a time. I felt trapped in a dynamic that never stopped or changed.
But the thing that helped me break the curse was when I understood that those guilt trips weren’t a reflection on me… they were cold, calculated weapons designed to rob me of my autonomy.
She isn’t offended by what I did; it’s just a means to an end. She sees an opportunity to manipulate my emotions to elicit her desired outcome.
I think if you find yourself in a controlling relationship, it’s easy to feel helpless inside of it. Somehow, the regular rules that apply to everyone else don’t apply between you and your partner.
Sometimes people normalize some very crazy shit.
You only have to set a few bad precedents before you become the proverbial frog in boiling water.
Controlling people oppress the people around them by treating them like objects. You do not have your wants, needs, and feelings. You are like a teddy bear meant to tap dance on queue.
It’s important to understand that different kinds of people walk this world. Some people are fundamentally submissive for one reason or another. Some of it might be nature, some of it nurture. Whatever the case may be, those people are designed to take orders. They are vulnerable to controlling people.
Controlling people don’t seek out victims who are headstrong and stubborn. I have a quality about me that I realized makes me very vulnerable to controlling people.
I am far too agreeable. I’m the type of person that will go along with just about anything. I like to keep the peace. I want to please people. And these aren’t necessarily bad traits…
The problem is that some people never take no for an answer. Some people are domineering to their very core. They don’t give a flying fuck about equality.
Equality is for losers.
I’m the type of person who says yes way too quickly…
And I take no way too quickly…
It took me 35 years to recognize this pattern, yet I had lived this way my whole life. Ain’t that some shit.
One of the points I’m trying to stress about controlling people is that the solution likely won’t be as simple as saying these three words or having the perfect response.
Some people are more vulnerable to being controlled than others.
Psychopaths tend not to find themselves under the control of others because they don’t feel guilty. For them, walking away from someone may feel like the easiest thing in the world.
But some people have this problem. I have always been very empathetic, so it’s easy to absorb people’s feelings and put myself in their shoes. This opens me up to that person’s influence. However, I’m more likely to become trapped if I’m unaware of the pattern.
If you struggle with feeling responsible for other people’s feelings, that makes you vulnerable. (It also makes you codependent, but that’s a conversation for another day)
You may have to consciously remember to limit how much empathy you share with other people. You may have to work out how and when you will prioritize yourself consciously.
Learning to make yourself your top priority will help you deal with controlling people.
But alas, it’s just not that simple with controlling people. You can’t control how someone chooses to treat you. My experience tells me that controllers have likely been that way their whole lives. They had decades of experience as a controlling person before they showed up at your doorstep. So it’s doubtful that you will be able to change them.
Putting it another way — if you are stuck in a controlling relationship, you may not even be allowed to put yourself first.
Precedents in relationships are so important.
If you are in a controlling relationship, you likely set the precedent that you tolerate controlling behavior, so it will be hard for you to suddenly turn around and start expecting that person to respect your autonomy.
They already know that they don’t have to. And they may have a strong sense of entitlement.
Controlling people tend to punish their partners for behaving in ways that deviate from the expectation. Those punishments can be all over the map. The consequences may be mild or severe.
If you are in a controlling relationship, your relationship isn’t healthy.
Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect.
You must overcome a power imbalance between you and your partner to change the controlling dynamic. However, remember that you can only control what you do, not how your partner responds.
For them, giving up control means giving away “their” power.
Many controllers would never do that.
But even knowing this is empowering.
A lot of clarity is gained when you give up the hope that someone might change. Instead of staying in the relationship based on wishful thinking, you can limit how and when you allow your partner to dominate and control you.
What happens next is anybody’s guess.
You may start saying no and setting limits, and your partner may listen.
Or they may become enraged or even violent.
Who knows?
You can’t control the other person. However, you can decide how to respond if they demonstrate controlling behavior.
If your partner wants to know where you are at all hours of the day… Maybe you don’t answer the phone when they start calling you.
Your partner may continue with guilt trips, but you can accept that and decide when enough is enough.
Controlling people are always trying to force-feed you their agenda.
They want you to do something. They always want you to say yes, even when the answer is no. You might be terrified of saying no.
One of the reasons I was so scared of telling my ex-wife no… is because she became enraged whenever I did.
What do you do when someone feels so entitled to have their way?
Whenever I found myself in this situation and felt tempted to say yes… when what I wanted to say was no…
“I’ll think about it” became my go-to line.
What a God-send.
I’ll think about it. It usually gives me some time and space. Sometimes, this was enough to stick to my agenda and not cave to a controller’s demands.
But, if I’m being honest with you, I’d feel pretty lousy if this was the best advice I could give you.
I think, more important than having the perfect line to handle controlling people, you must ask the question, “Why do I tolerate this treatment?”
One thing that helped me break the spell… was seeing that controlling behavior was only acceptable in one direction. It only served one person. If it’s OK for them, how do they respond when they get a taste of their medicine?
Ironically, controlling people are usually the first to cry foul and say you’re being controlling.
Go figure.
When you are clear on what you will and will not tolerate from others, you can take back your power from the controllers in your life.
For example, my ex could quickly get her way with a simple guilt trip until I understood what she was doing. Then, I decided not to fall for that trick again. I learned not to take her attacks personally. She may be saying nasty things about me, but I’m not the person she’s talking about.
Another spellbreaker was seeing how my partner reacted when I asked for my autonomy. She very much didn’t like that. She didn’t take it well. If you tend to find yourself in controlling relationships, it may be worthwhile to get clear on your rights. Get clear on who you are.
Controllers usually tell their partners who they are as if they know what that person is thinking better than they do themselves.
I used to get lost in trying to defend myself and convince my partner that she had it all wrong and blah blah blah. It was a waste of my energy. People who try to tell you what’s inside your head…
Big no-no in my book.
Nobody can define you.
But controllers love doing that.
If you find yourself in a relationship with someone, they might start telling you who you are. Who you’re allowed to be… What you’re thinking… what your motivations are…
The big mistake is that controllers don’t know you better than you know yourself.
When they pretend that they do, they overlook your very humanity.
Spiritually speaking, this is a massive boundary violation. Because this is a psychic boundary and not a physical one, it’s easy to rationalize that it’s not a big deal… but it is—a huge deal.
If you have been in this place for a long time, I think it’s worth asking yourself, why am I so comfortable allowing others to overlook me? This is the type of question that took years for me to confront. I wanted my wife to be the problem. She was the one who couldn’t stop with the manipulative behavior, not me.
But that point of view left me powerless. Furthermore, when I started asking that question…
I found that the answers pointed to an unfortunate reality. I tolerate this behavior because this is my comfort zone.
I tolerate this behavior because people have dumped their problems on me for my whole life.
If only we could take such a perspective on things. Lately, I’ve been discovering new patterns that I have been living out for my WHOLE life. Like…
How did I make it to almost 40, and I didn’t see that I said yes to nearly everything?
That’s what it means to be human.
Most of us are living on autopilot.
Repeating the same patterns.
Making the same mistakes.
Reliving the traumas of our past.
The good news is a little self-awareness goes a long way.
Until next time,
Anton
Dancer, Writer, Buddhist
P.S. If this resonates, forward it to someone who needs to read it.
Permission to be Powerful is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
Share this post