I Could Be Miserable -- Like The Rest of Them.
How I Burned My Old Life to the Ground and Found Freedom in Self-Love
I’m really weird.
Some would say crazy.
I’m one of those people I keep talking about.
I’m crazy, but I pass for normal.
Or at least…
I used to be.
One would have to be crazy to be in the one-sided relationships I was in for as long as me.
Let me clue you in on something:
Sometimes, there are people who are emotionally dependent on others.
They NEED other people to solve their problems.
They EXPECT it.
DEMAND it.
And they’ve been this way a LONG time.
The WHOLE time.
And they’re expecting YOU to be THEIR savior.
I noticed that they’re always so good at identifying new problems they want me to solve.
And going to work rousing me into action.
With claims of the great injustice committed against them.
Only I can right that wrong.
And you’re all wrapped in THEIR problems.
Which seem to materialize like clockwork one after another.
I can barely keep up.
It’s ALMOST like they’re manufacturing new problems on a schedule.
I haven’t found myself in a situation like that in a long time.
However…
When this was a common event, I was healed enough to see the manipulative behavior for what it was.
It still drained the daylights out of me.
People who drain me absolutely must go.
I’m already exhausted as it is.
That’s why the Zen Center is such a Godsend right now.
It’s a healing space.
It heals old wounds that most people have long forgotten.
There was a time in my journey when my suffering was so acute it created a thirst for spiritual freedom.
To be unburdened from all of this suffering.
I can’t believe I manifested becoming a real Zen monk.
That’s me living my dreams.
But I’m getting carried away — this troublemaker in your life…
I noticed something really eye-opening.
Sometimes people are trying to enlist you to solve their problems…
And you take note that there’s a crisis.
A new problem someone wants to gift me.
But if I stop and assess myself in that moment.
I stop and ask…
But wait… where in all of this chaos do I benefit?
Do I get anything at all out of getting this new problem foisted on me?
If I don’t benefit from playing rescue…
Then I have no business being involved at all.
That’s so weird.
Problems are personal.
Just because there are millions of people out there who are all too happy to have you fix their life…
That doesn’t make it any less crazy.
Accountable people tend to keep their problems to themselves.
They’re not always trying to rope you into their drama.
I made this particular mistake too many times.
Too severely…
To ever make this mistake again.
I’ve had to work SO HARD to break the cycle of codependency.
I kept attracting people who just took, and took, and took, until I was exhausted and depressed.
Why was I so comfortable in that space?
Because I’d been living this way my whole life.
It was my norm.
But why?
Ah, yes.
The answer to that question, some would rather you not know.
Because it might force you to re-evaluate the people around you.
It might make you see that you’re investing in people who don’t deserve you.
Then what?
Who likes being in that awkward place of having to confront reality…
That could mean having to cut people out from your life.
Talk about upsetting the applecart!
Secrets keep you glued to trauma.
Ignoring your better judgement…
That’s a recipe for disaster.
For me, that meant coming to terms with the reality that I was raced in an abusive home.
This is not a reality that almost any of my family will admit to…
But that doesn’t mean it’s not accurate.
It doesn’t mean I don’t have to live with the effects of growing up in a place like that.
Instintively, I knew something was wrong with my family.
I wanted to be different.
That thrust me onto the road less traveled.
Filled with almost a decade of therapy.
Thousands of books.
Becoming a Buddhist.
Confronting many demons.
Ultimately, it led to me burning my whole life to the ground and starting over.
It was a painful place to be.
But undoubtedly worth it.
After going my whole life abandoning myself...
The joy of finally feeling self-love…
I was hooked.
Worth almost any price.
Until next time,
Anton
Dancer, Writer, Buddhist.