I Paid for These Lessons in Blood
These Hard-Won Lessons Changed My Life Forever
There are many lessons that I had to learn from pain.
After one failed relationship about 10 years ago, I knew I needed to do something about how I fell in love. I sacrificed myself for someone who had no loyalty to me at all.
Then, I did it again with my ex-wife. Then, again, one last time. The last one was less extreme, and the relationship only lasted a few months. It took getting divorced before I was sure I must put myself first. Growth is hard.
I watched my ex-wife build an entire romance publishing business before I was ready to start being my authority.
It’s easy to look at me now and think: You don’t look any different; how do I know if this “transformation” you say you had is fundamental?
Well… becoming the new me more or less purged everyone from my past all at once. I would say 80% of the people I associated with are no longer in my life. It might be closer to 90%.
People also treat me much differently. It’s a night and day difference.
The Chauffeur makes women run. FAST. Not so much with my Mike Tyson self.
Today, I finally have learned to be discerning and wise about my dating options. I finally know that I can’t have casual sex with people. I am too vulnerable to be doing that.
It’s too big of an emotional investment. Every time I made it clear that I was here for that little boy inside me, even if that meant going against my ex-wife, she lashed out.
Everything fell apart when I finally started to show up for my inner child and put his wants and needs first.
It took a lot of rejection before I saw that my ex truly didn’t value me. She didn’t deserve me, which gave me the strength to leave her. I exhausted my options before I was ready to give up.
Many of my principles around money came from being broke. When I talk about being Mike Tyson—more or less, all of the pivotal moments that got me here were painful.
Every time I call my therapist, bombs start going off in my life.
It’s not his fault. Sometimes, when you’ve attracted a bunch of shitty people in your life, and you suddenly start behaving differently, that throws a lot of people off.
It’s tough to change a convention after you set the precedent. People can feel very threatened. Very triggered. Or, very entitled to the same bad treatment they had gotten used to giving you.
When I call up my therapist, grenades start going off in my life. He will say, This is how you put yourself first. Know your worth. Believe in it. This is what I think.
This is what I feel. And thoughts like that can cut through someone else’s agenda like a knife. People who like to exploit don’t want you talking about “what’s in it for me?”
People tend to behave VERY predictably.
It isn’t hard to look at a person’s behavior and conclude how they might treat you in the future. And actions always speak louder than words. I learned that you could know someone since you were a baby, and that person could still double-cross you immediately.
That lesson gives me added clarity about banishing people from my life. It doesn’t pay to keep people with poor character in your life. If you know they’re shady, they have to go.
I learned that most people run away from looking at themselves. They avoid it at all cost. I’m not sure why. But it’s undoubtedly true. If you expose someone all at once, they might be unable to handle it.
When you land a hollow point on someone’s deep character flaws, I’ve noticed that they will reverse decades of history and concoct a gigantic fable about you so that they can keep seeing themselves as the victim, even when they’re a piece of shit.
Someone could be addicted to control. Control can be core to their very identity. And they can walk into your life and take the whole thing over.
One thing I’ve learned is that people are far less rational than they think they are. There’s the person you think you are and the person you are, which can be two completely different people.
A controlling person may accuse their partner of being controlling. Talk about a mind freak.
Some People Will Never Look in the Mirror
Most people are unwilling to examine their most unsavory qualities honestly.
My therapist once introduced me to the idea that some people have their heads on straight, are rational, and have a track record of making good decisions.
And others don’t live in reality. Some people live a fictional story that they’ve made up. And, yes, we’re all doing this. But some people have a point of view that isn’t grounded in reality at all.
One time, my therapist told me that I was, in fact, healthier than my wife. That was a big moment of insight because I suddenly didn’t have to give her false assertions as much weight.
I didn’t have to be as invested in what she was saying. And I was now more capable of responding to her craziness.
One of the interesting phenomena I noticed as I started to make this transition would be the withdrawal I felt when I reached for a healthy coping strategy compared to the tried and actual toxic strategies.
I remember firing a client because they were a nightmare and a massive pain in the ass — but internally, there was a vast war being fought. I almost felt like I was having a panic attack. My anxiety was up. I was in panic mode.
But through the chaos, I still saw that if I kept giving to these nightmare clients, I would be feeding into a vicious cycle.
Once you get through that part, life usually gets better immediately.
Life rewards you for evicting toxic people from it.
I mourn the loss of these friends. My toll was heavy, but it was the foundation for my new healthy friendships. I am happy to report that even at my worst, I still could identify some healthy friends.
I’m very grateful for that. If I hadn’t changed, the people and situations around me wouldn’t have changed, and that part is undeniable.
I have some of the most embarrassing details of my marriage in a book for the whole world to see. I’m okay. I want to transcend my story.
To be so open and exposed, I would have had a meltdown in my chauffeur life. The chauffeur lives quietly and in secret. Mike Tyson turns his life into art. He’s loud and inescapable.
One of the reasons Mike Tyson’s boundaries are so set in stone is because I had to take drastic measures to go against a lifetime of being everybody’s doormat.
It took five years of silence before my family understood they had to respect me.
And they still essentially don’t get it. When you pay a price like that, you never forget. You never doubt or debate.
Until next time,
Anton
Dancer, Writer, Buddhist