Chapter 1: I Thought That's What Good People Did
Episode 3
CHAPTER ONE
I THOUGHT THAT’S What Good People Did
I spent Christmas all alone. No friends. No family. Honestly, I’m
sincerely thrilled about it.
Dear Permission to be Powerful Reader,
I’ve never, in my whole life, done 100% me for Christmas.
It’s very illuminating what kind of person I am at my core. Just this alone is
worth trying sometimes. I think.
I always get sad around the holidays.
At this version of Mike Tyson, I realized I thought it was because I felt
lonely around the holidays. It’s actually because every holiday season, I
abandon myself.
I spend time with people who I don’t like. Who don’t value me?
Who can’t see me?
Who don’t deserve me?
They reinforce the idea that I have no worth. I will do my private
meditation marathon, which involves lots of running and writing.
I’m going full Chris McCandless.
I’m doing me 100%.
I’m going to shine more brightly than ever.
Just ONE year ago, I was still so heavily programmed to prioritize
others over myself that I spent THOUSANDS to go and spend almost a
month among a bunch of people I don’t particularly like being around.
I was around many people who would NEVER go out of their way to
come and see me.
I am still in a one-sided dynamic with my entire family. I’m single, have
no kids, and on a low-contact basis with my kin. I’ve never had Christmas
all to myself.
I Don’t Feel Sad at All.
I know this might have left me feeling depressed in past years. Not today. I
used to suffer from pathological loneliness. It caused me so much trouble.
Because I was neglected growing up, I have had a pronounced desire to
find a partner for my whole life.
This wasn’t just about connecting with somebody. It was also about
feeding a malnourished soul. It was about validation.
But today, I have permitted myself to enjoy being single. Even if my life
does not follow a conventional path. I’ve never been traditional. I was so
eager to find somebody to love, but that eagerness was unhealthy.
I think, on some level, it means not being able to walk away after seeing
red flags and staying in relationships WAY past their expiration date.
I am a big believer in the expiration date of relationships.
This is the point by which, if you were healthy, you would decide to
break up with someone. Knowing what I know now. Having changed my
standards completely…
My ex-wife wouldn’t have made it past the third week.
Generously, we should have broken up by year five. Why? There comes a
point in a relationship when staying means abandoning yourself.
If you wake up one day and your partner hits you, it is cruel, hurtful,
wild, entirely out of control…
If you realize they will not change.
If you know your non-negotiables and they don’t live up to that
standard… It’s time to go.
But I’d say most people can’t be so logical about romance. Most people
don’t even know what their non-negotiables are.
After you’ve bonded with someone, it can be easy to start getting ideas
about the relationship that do not serve you. Nothing lasts forever. Not one
thing.
People come and go.
Sooner or later, they WILL have to go. That part isn’t up to you. It’s the law
of the universe. Everything comes and goes.
But we can get invested in faulty ideas about love. You might struggle
with letting go.
I know I do. It took me a whole year to get over my last relationship. I
don’t think feeling so attached for so long is good.
But I certainly could have moved on more quickly. Sometimes, people
stay in relationships for unhealthy reasons.
I believe in letting go of people who do not value me, even if it’s my
blood, because experience has shown me that this is the better choice.
That can be hard advice to follow if you’ve spent your life around
people who invalidate you.
You are vulnerable if you have spent your whole life around people who
make you feel unseen. There’s a hole in your heart that needs filling.
So, when you finally find somebody who does make you feel heard,
seen, and valued…
it’s going to be hard to let go of your new drug. But sometimes you must. If
the relationship is on shaky ground, things can go sideways whether you
want them to.
But either way, I think it’s usually a mistake to stay in a relationship
past that expiration date.
You should not have to abandon yourself as a condition of meeting your
need for love and connection. I already talked about what constitutes a good
relationship.
There are some ingredients that a healthy relationship can’t exist
without. Honesty. In other words, if you wake up and find out you married a
pathological liar… you got the wrong one.
Respect. If you devalue your partner, you undermine the entire
relationship. Safety. If you introduce violence or some other destabilizing
force to the relationship, it will make things worse.
Moreover, recovering these non-negotiables is extremely difficult once
they are gone.
