✍️ Editor’s Note:
Zalman is my therapist—and my secret weapon.
When I was unraveling, he didn’t just offer support. He helped me see the patterns running my life and gave me language sharp enough to cut through them.
His insights show up everywhere in Permission to Be Powerful—because they changed me. Now I want them to reach you.
This is your introduction to Zalman, LCSW. You’ll be hearing more from him.
—Anton
Dear Permission to be Powerful Reader,
It might sound strange to say this…
But I appreciate red flags.
Not because I enjoy watching anyone struggle — far from it.
But because red flags are powerful tools.
And when you know how to read them, they stop being threats… and start becoming guides.
As a therapist, I work with a lot of people navigating the shift from dating into relationships — and from chaos into clarity. In that process, red flags are essential.
They mark the moment when healing becomes possible.
⚖️ The Shift From Victim to Empowered
One of the most important pivots in therapy is the move from feeling powerless to taking ownership.
When you start asking not “Why does this always happen to me?”
But instead, “What is this showing me about myself?”
That’s when transformation begins.
Red flags — those gut feelings, those awkward moments, those subtle warning signs — are invitations to investigate, not indictments to flee from blindly.
💬 “Why Do I Keep Attracting the Same Type?”
I hear this all the time:
“Why do I keep dating the same type of person?”
“Why do I ignore red flags until it’s too late?”
“Are there any good guys/girls out there?”
What’s really being asked underneath is this:
“Why do I keep finding myself in the same emotional place over and over again?”
Here’s the answer: because you’re not just dating people — you’re dating patterns.
And those patterns come from within.
🧭 Red Flags = Self-Awareness Tools
Forget the clickbait lists of “10 Red Flags to Watch For.”
That’s helpful as a start — but not the whole story.
What you need to ask is:
What feels off to me in this interaction?
What part of me is reacting right now — my adult self or my inner child?
What does this moment remind me of?
These are the questions that shift red flags from fear to feedback.
Because the most important red flags aren’t about the other person.
They’re about your reaction to the other person.
🧠 Empowerment Means Looking Inward
Here’s what I teach clients every day:
Your job isn’t to avoid red flags.
Your job is to understand what they’re pointing you toward inside yourself.
That’s where the gold is. That’s where the healing begins.
Red flags are like emotional flares — they illuminate where your boundaries are weak, where your validation is outsourced, and where your past still echoes.
When you turn toward them, rather than away, you grow.
💥 From Reaction to Reflection
The big moment of healing isn’t when you finally dodge a toxic person.
It’s when you ask:
What drew me in?
What did this person trigger in me?
What unmet need was I chasing through them?
Because healing isn’t just about avoiding pain.
It’s about understanding it, so you don’t need to attract it anymore.
💬 Final Thought
Red flags aren’t here to hurt you.
They’re here to wake you up.
To show you where you still have work to do.
To help you spot your own patterns.
To guide you back into relationship with your self — where the real power lives.
So the next time you see a red flag? Don’t run.
Pause. Reflect. Listen.
Because that’s not just danger ahead.
It might be your next doorway to freedom.
With warmth,
—Zalman, LCSW
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