Unsafe People
A Word To The Wise...
Dear Permission to be Powerful Reader,
My life changed once I learned how to spot unsafe people.
Before that, I had no quality control.
I don’t trust unsafe people.
I don’t confide in unsafe people.
And I keep as much distance from unsafe people as I can.
Unsafe people bring misfortune.
Misery.
Shame.
Chaos.
Betrayal.
Heartbreak.
Before I understood this, I spent time around extremely unhealthy people.
BIG mistake.
Almost like bad luck.
They were predictable.
Cause and effect.
Here’s an example.
Years ago, I knew someone who had open criminal cases for domestic violence and drug trafficking.
He cheated whenever he could.
He lied without hesitation.
He manipulated people for money.
He destroyed property that didn’t belong to him.
He treated every relationship like an opportunity to exploit someone.
Looking back, none of this should have surprised me.
He had been telling everyone exactly who he was.
I simply wasn’t listening.
People reveal themselves constantly.
You just have to pay attention.
If someone lies to you, they’ve given you valuable information.
Believe it.
If someone cheats when nobody is watching, they’ve given you valuable information.
Believe it.
If someone enjoys humiliating others, manipulating others, or causing unnecessary pain, they’ve given you valuable information.
Believe it.
We often ignore these moments because we want to be nice.
We don’t want to embarrass anyone.
We don’t want to seem judgmental.
We tell ourselves everyone deserves another chance.
Sometimes they do.
But your responsibility is not to rescue everyone.
Your responsibility is to protect your own life.
People usually don’t wake up one morning and become dishonest.
Or manipulative.
Or cruel.
Those habits were there long before you arrived.
You simply discovered them.
I’ve made a simple rule for myself:
If someone lies to me, I create distance.
No dramatic confrontation.
No lecture.
No campaign to fix them.
Just distance.
You save yourself an astonishing amount of suffering that way.
I live in a monastery.
I meditate for hours.
Sometimes for days.
I also spent years writing for Tony Robbins.
Between those experiences, I’ve learned something important:
Real change is possible.
But it is difficult.
It requires effort, sacrifice, humility, and a genuine desire to become different.
Most people don’t change because most people don’t want to.
They want different consequences without different behavior.
Another rule:
No violence.
Not physical.
Not verbal.
Not emotional.
Not sexual.
None.
Violent people don’t accidentally become violent.
Violence solves problems for them.
It makes them feel powerful.
It regulates them.
And afterward, they almost always have a story explaining why it wasn’t really their fault.
Eventually, you’re expected to clean up the mess.
Skip that assignment.
The same goes for betrayal.
When someone you trust betrays you, something changes forever.
There’s no going back.
You’ll never look at them the same again.
You’ll never get back to the good old days.
You can forgive.
You can let go of resentment.
But pretending nothing happened requires lying to yourself.
Abandoning yourself.
Unsafe people also have a remarkable ability to make you seem unreasonable.
You’re too sensitive.
You’re overreacting.
You’re imagining things.
You’re the problem.
Little by little, they train you to distrust your own judgment.
That’s one of the most dangerous things someone can do.
The fix is learning to trust yourself.
Trust what you see.
Trust patterns…
More than promises.
Trust actions.
More than apologies.
I don’t spend much energy trying to change unsafe people.
I spend my energy deciding how much access they get to my life.
Usually, the answer is very little.
The healthiest people I’ve met share certain qualities.
They tell the truth.
They keep their word.
They live orderly lives.
They take responsibility for their mistakes.
They don’t enjoy hurting people.
They prefer peace over drama.
They make the people around them feel safer, not smaller.
Being around people like that changes you.
Being around unsafe people changes you too.
Just in the opposite direction.
Your future is shaped not only by your decisions, but by the people standing closest to you.
So pay attention.
People tell you who they are every single day.
Believe them.
And when necessary, create distance.
You’ll lose fewer arguments.
You’ll lose fewer nights of sleep.
And you’ll lose far less of yourself.
Tony V.
Editor-in-Chief
Permission to be Powerful
