Your Kid Can Be Demonized and Attacked but Your Doctor Calls It Autism by Aly Allred

A Permission to be Powerful Community Post

EDITOR’S NOTE: Permission to be Powerful is growing fast. In that spirit, many writers came together to show their support. I’m immensely grateful. I’ll share a new piece every day for the next few days.

Now, let’s get into it…

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Dear Permission to be Powerful Reader,

“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination.” Leviticus 18:22

“God doesn’t make junk. God doesn’t make mess ups.”

“I don’t hate the sinner, I just hate the sin.”

“God is gonna punish you for marrying that black boy.”

This is just some of the things that led to my walking away from my relationship with both the church and Jesus.

As a bisexual, gender fluid, and neurodivergent person, there was vitriol for my sexuality, there was “concern” for my relationships, and there was apathy when I was distressed and struggling during services or events due to my autism/adhd.

Where others found joy and community during worship, I found pain and loneliness. I was taught about Jesus, a man who preached kindness, compassion, and generosity, yet I received none.

I learned of his calls to heal the sick, while many churches I attended were barely wheelchair accessible and had no accessibility for other physical and mental disabilities. I learned that we should pray for someone’s disabilities to be lifted from them, whether they expressed such a desire for this or not.

Even when I was a teenager, I noticed what I was being taught in church wasn’t lining up with the actions of those teaching them.

If the earth was made by God for us, why aren’t we as a church working to make our town greener?

If we were supposed to be feeding the hungry, why didn’t we ever fundraise for a local food bank?

How can we care for the sick and disabled spiritually if some of them can’t even access the services?

If we’re supposed to love everyone, why was I seeing so much hate spewed because of race/gender identity/sexuality/religion?

Little inconsistencies like this built up in my mind for a long time and I could never get any good answers to my questions. Not even from church leadership.

As I watched the people who I had gone through church with started to cheer on the vile things certain politicians was saying, I realized I couldn’t have a relationship with the church anymore, at least for the time being and I left the faith behind.

For a very long time, I struggled to reconcile with the Jesus I’d been taught about growing up and the Jesus that the Christian right had rallied behind.

Around this time, my great-grandmother tried to use the Bible to condemn my relationship with the man who has become my husband, which further drove me away from both her and Jesus.

For the next few years, I was content to ignore the part of me that missed learning about Jesus. I had let everyone convince me he couldn’t possibly love me like I was always taught he did. I was too queer. I was too disabled. I didn’t feel comfortable living life as a woman. And because I genuinely believed that Jesus hated me, I started to hate him too.

I wanted nothing to do with God or Christianity. When friends offered to pray for me in my bad times, I asked them not to. When I got married in 2020, I was adamant it would be a completely secular service.

For years, I wouldn’t even close my eyes when someone asked to bless the food at a meal.

I met all mention of Jesus or God with derision. In essence, I was one of the militant atheists the right is always going on about. I didn’t wanna talk about it with anyone. I just wanted to be left alone when it came to my religious beliefs.

I had known about the movement of Christians who tried to put into practice the commands Jesus told those who followed him.

Such as:

Luke 6:27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you…”

Matthew 22:37-39 “37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’

[c] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment.

39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

Romans 12:17-20 17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.

18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”[d] says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.

Matthew 25:34-40 34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.

35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

However, I had little experience with people like this in real life. The only one I knew well was my best friend but I had convinced myself that she was my best friend and I was simply thinking the best of her.

Then I met my friends who introduced me to people that believed in the Jesus I learned of. That raised money and other kinds of donations for the poor, hungry, and sick.

That didn’t look down on my queerness or disability. I finally felt some of the community I imagine others before me have felt at other churches. I started seeking out queer friendly churches as well as studying the bible with one of my friends. I’m working on letting go of the harmful ideas surrounding what others told me Jesus would think of me and instead learning and deciding for myself.

I won’t say I’ve completely reestablished a relationship with Jesus, however, while I had been doing prayer to open bible study, I knew I’d come a good way when I was hospitalized for a mental illness, I called my friends who had been helping with bible study and asked them to pray with me that I would be discharged the next day For me, that was a big step.

I don’t know if I’ll ever come completely back.

But I have come around to believing Jesus loves me. Queer. Disabled. Trans. It doesn’t matter.

— Aly